Cruise Control buttons should have a skull and crossed bones on them. Anytime I think a part of my life is okay enough for me to set the Cruise and relax, I slam into something solid. Constant attention, constant focus. I suppose the pressure that is crushing me probably inspires some. I may have inspired me at some point but I am worn down. Worn and dull.
Joy is becoming harder and harder to find. Survival mode sucks. I am relegated to headphones and coffee. There is no place for me to be. There is no peace. It is all beach and no shelter.
The real problem is not the stress but the lack of payoff. I have never been in such a zero-sum game before. There are no points, there are no finish lines, just more race.
None of this is new to this world and I suppose instead of dying of diabetes at 47 I could be suffering of mercury poisoning at 20 like some fireworks assembly worker. I can put this all in perspective quick enough but that somehow doesn't make me want to trot on with a smile.
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