Always the bridesmaid

It seems to me that if you want something bad enough and you are willing to do anything to get it that you will eventually meet the guy that got it for free even though he does not want it or understand it. Can I get an amen on that one.

At present I am a contractor. A mercenary in the non-violent, economic sort of way. I am present but must not participate. I am observed but must not lead. Nonessential but cheaper than full on employee commitment.

At heart I am a patriot. I don't want to shake off the disdain at the end of each day like the postman in from the storm. I want to wrap myself up in the flag of my fathers and charge ever onward despite my enemies. Forsaking my detractors and flying in the face of the nefarious nare-do-wells and all like that. I want to be a part of something important even if anonymously.

I have to lead a double life in order to have a small role in the greater good. After hours unpaid citizen airman doing what no one will pay me to do.

I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't gamble. My resume is terse and succinct without embellishment or liberties and absolutely true. Maybe all of these things I hold as virtues are standing in my way. Perhaps people just assume that since everyone else is so screwed up that I must be lying about something. Maybe I need to reveal that I am a chronic procrastinator and a Lego Maniac. That ought to reel em in.

The bouncer at the What I Want Club keeps me behind the ropes and giggles like a geisha each time he lifts the rope for some punk to skip me.

Maybe I am secretly that bouncer and the guy in the front of the line is Destro and I am forced to stare into his shiny head right back at me and ignore the fact that he has rocket arrows on his wrist bands. Or maybe it is the wrist band rockets that tell me not to let him in.

I have given up on getting the job that puts me standing cross ways but rightously in the way of oppression or terror or something else pretty bad. I have given up on that call that says "we have noticed your work and would like to discuss your future". This will not ever happen.

I have to wonder if how much my adversion to the masonic mystery cults and charasmatic fire eaters of the world has harmed me. My inability to blend and fold into the shiney inner fabric of society means I will always be on the fuzz laden and stained outermost layer of the bedspread that is the middle class.